Harry squinted at the petunias Lady Smock had dropped on the patio table. He stood blinking like a forgotten turn signal, his serene mien disturbed by this flagrant floral bad judgement. Petunias at Smock Manor? What next – garden gnomes?
“Our war ensign, Harry. We’re going to plant them at the entrance to the estate. If dear, brother Bertram thinks I’m going to take exile to the Gatehouse without a fight, he’ll soon know the cut of my jib.”
Harry liked his Lady all fired up, especially when she used nautical lingo (Gilbert and Sullivan and tight bodices came to mind) but were petunias the best weapons in this newly declared war against Bertram Smock, Lord of the Manor? Lady pulled out more tricks from her arsenal – no gnomes but lots of gewgaws to decorate the gatehouse entrance to show the world The Estate had gone to seed.
Like all Smocks before him, Bertram fancied himself a paragon of taste. He knew people looked to him for guidance on all things dignified and sophisticated. “People want what Bertie’s got”, he always said. The giant tin ladybug at the gatehouse entrance would send him looking for an exterminator.
“Hold on, luv. Let me get my tools. I want to add something.” Harry disappeared into the shed. He returned just before sunset, with a spotlight and a wooden plank with words burned into the grain. Humming “I am the Monarch of the Sea”, Harry hammered the new sign in the bed of petunias and tchotchkes:
Welcome to the Estate of Bertie Smock, Lord of the Manor.
BS is the heart of our beds.
Now I am really excited because we’re getting to know Lady Smock’s relatives…and one with nice initials to boot….BS…oh my I can just imagine what Harry’s relatives are like and what initials they have.
That was funny! I love the expression “the cut of your jib”, loved it since I was a kid. That coupled with “he loves to see his Lady fired up, especially when she used nautical lingo….” was a home run for me!
Ahoy, Ryan! Smiling that I made you smile. Personally, I find nautical lingo sexy and I thought old Harry should think so too.
Well shiver me timbers! :p
You had me at “blinking like a forgotten turn signal”–wonderful (and I do have a garden gnome, though the Toad Motel gave up the ghost)
Thanks, Ellen. I’m having a lot of fun playing with these characters. As for garden gnomes, that photo of the ladybug comes from my garden which has a light sprinkling of gewgaws. I think they are the gardening equivalent of puns, don’t you?
I’ve never thought of that, but I love it and shall now look on them as such: garden puns. (I did use a theme in planting so much of my yard–dragon’s blood, toad lilies, spider plants, cast iron plant–amusing my own little self)
Hmmm. Your garden has a MacBeth’s witches sound to it. Maybe it scares your neighbours!
🙂
It is somehow very satisfying that a self-congratulatory twit like Bertram should have the initials BS…
I thought so too. This is an occasion where a random name choice has the appearance of being intentional.
It’s fun when that happens!
I feel that the gewgaws and the antipathy towards Bertram are throwing Harry Bittercress and Lady Smock closer together.
It’s possible. Nothing like a good fight to bring people together.
I love a ‘don’t get mad, get even’ tale. I can hear the steam hissing from Lord B’s ears.
Just remember, Bertie and the Lady are cut from the same cloth (silk, probably) and Bertie’s not likely to take this petunia salvo w/out firing back.
I can hardly wait!
EEk. Now I have to DO something!