On the lam

Mercury News

Sunday, July 12, 2015 – Ware, Hertfordshire

Bertram Smock given shit
by Evie Young


Hertfordshire Constabulary were called to 1 Smock Lane, Saturday, July 11, 2015 at 6:30 a.m. local time when an unidentified woman reported a large load of manure blocking the entrance to Smock Manor. On arrival, police observed a pair of black Wellington’s poking out from beneath the pile and a Homberg atop the excrement. A crudely spray-painted sign saying Shovel This, BS was found leaning against the gatehouse door. A car with German licence plates was parked 100 meters down the lane.

Beaver Brand -


Lord Bertram Smock, the present owner of the estate, told the Mercury News “I don’t know anyone who would give me shit. This community owes me. I give and give and give – charitable donations, use of the grounds for fundraisers for tea parties and the like, all the fruit from the trees to Urban Harvest. I’m loved and admired by all in town. I don’t deserve this shit.”

After an hour of digging, the forensics team found nothing beneath the pile. Foul play was ruled out. Police confirmed the materials used to make the sign matched a similar one Mr. Harry Bittercress planted in the flower beds at the gatehouse.

The gatehouse was empty, all furnishings, clothing, and house wares gone. Lord Smock told the constables his sister, Lady Veronica Smock-Speedwell had taken up with a drifter who resembled her ex-husband, Erable Hyssop Speedwell, and that he and Lady Smock were estranged. When asked the length of the relationship, Lord Smock replied 27 years. The family was still in shock that she had not “come to her senses. Complete flumadiddle this affair. Flumadiddle from start to finish.”

Hertfordshire Constabulary dispatcher, Annette Jones, described an hysterical woman who kept screaming into the telephone “Shit! Shit! Shit! It’s everywhere!” I didn’t realize she meant real shit. I thought it was a metaphor. Or “it” was not really shit. What a shock it must’ve been. Shit. Everywhere.

The police are seeking Lady Smock and her companion of 27 years, Harry Bittercress, residing at Half Smock Lane, for questioning in this act of public mischief.

The owner of the black Audi with German license plate number BS URNAZ can collect his car at the Hertfordshire Constabulary.

18 thoughts on “On the lam

  1. Pingback: “Let’s talk of graves, of worms, and epitaphs…”* | wuthering bites

    • It’s been quite a roller-coaster of emotions this week. It’s a wonder my computer can stand all this melodrama being played out on it’s screen. Maybe that’s why it’s so slow. Just plain wrung out.


  2. Shit to BS…! The plot thickens. Susanne, fiction writers say their characters come to life at a certain point…I wonder how it feels to spend time with these wacky characters. Anyway, Smock Lane is more intriguing than Wisteria Lane.


    • I’m quite fond of these two people although they certainly aren’t fully formed characters that I’ve sat down and deliberately plotted. This mock newspaper article was built around another word of the day from Dictionary.com and the fact that i was getting bored with them being a bickering couple. So I took a page from the mystery genre for some fun. Not sure where I’ll go next but I think there’s a road trip ahead.

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