Praise the laud

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Apropos of nothing

Susanne Fletcher is a yellow-toothed, grey-haired old woman whose ancestors include a bald-headed bullshitter, an apple pie scented soothsayer, an itinerant ukulele teacher and a lips-sucked-in recriminator. She holds degrees buried in wrinkle canyons carved around her mouth and eyes. When not napping or showering to minimize old lady smell or reading grocery store fliers and clipping coupons, she reads literary journal contributor pages and writes mocking bios that exceed the 50 word limit.

Now its your turn. What would your 50 word (more or less) bio say?

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Suzy-Q doughnuts of  Ottawa –  Top left – The Roughrider; Top right – Carrot cake doughnut; bottom – chocolate truffle doughnut.

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47 thoughts on “Praise the laud

  1. I’ll give it a shot.

    When not #2 penciling his precious brand of doggerel, R.Douglas tramps around his inner city hood with his 100 pound puppy named Coda. His last dog. Virginia born and orphan bred, and now three score and ten, R.Douglas swears by autodidactism, french e-cigarettes, and bourbon aged at sea. And, Jack Black Soap is SOP.

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    • Hey, that’s a pretty nice poem, Doug and I’m guessing from your writing a true fit. Like all good poems it taught me a couple of things. For instance, I just practiced some autodidactism with the help of ol’ Google (which could be the name of a Russian Vodka aged in an oligarch’s Cypriot safety deposit box) and discovered Jefferson’s Ocean Aged Bourbon. The description – “Jefferson’s Ocean Bourbon has an aroma of vanilla, caramel and burnt matches. Thick notes of butterscotch, vanilla, brown sugar, and salted caramel dominate the palate, and lead to a finish accented by sweet hints of citrus.” – sounds like dessert. On my next foray into the drugstore I’ll be sniffing around for Jack Black Soap.

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      • Yeah, I like that Jefferson…not a bad sipping whiskey. Bourbon has become big business. You might like Basil Hayden. Recently I tried a interesting bourbon from right here in the Windy City, Koval. I’m not a Kentucky purist, but I was a bit hesitant…but pleasantly surprised. Now for the humble brag. I doubt that you will find that Jack Black Soap in a drug store. Took two years to justify dropping that much script to just suds up. And took away some of my currency in teasing Snz about how often she cozies up to the cosmetic counter.

        Thanks Susanne for an interesting post.

        Doug

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  2. Too brilliant! Whilst I wistfully drool over those doughnuts, I might say something like ‘that hole in the middle of the ring doughnut … that’s me – surrounded by sweet, succulent, brilliantly balanced and easy to digest others, I’m simply air’

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  3. I don’t believe a word of it, but I had to scrape myself up off the kitchen floor I was laughing so hard 😀 While I was down there, I enjoyed some crumbs from the St. Patty’s Day muffins I made earlier. You rock!

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  4. So funny! And, I’m sure, totally untrue. I think it would be hard to write your own bio, especially if you were trying to do it in a clever, attention gaining way. It would be fun to try. I think. Though possibly it would also be depressing. I’ll think about it.

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  5. That is so funny – and so untrue! I cannot do a bio – I had a hard enough time writing something in many more than 50 words for WordPress. Ageism is the final frontier really, and we all have to wait until racism, ethnicism, genderism, sexism, homoism, deafism, blindism, speechism, misogyny and general male superiority and of course the planet have been either eradicated or saved to have our day. The good thing about it though is that, unless they have expired too soon, everybody crosses into this particular arena.

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      • “Leslie Reese is a nurturer of worries and imaginary physical ailments who keeps journals, reads books, drinks wine, and chews chocolate-covered raisins. In 2015 she received the distinguished Mean-As-Ever Award, and in 2016 an Honorable Mention in the Thinning Hair category from Junior Senior Citizens of America.”

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    • Thanks, Joanne. It was prompted by reading one of the lit mags I subscribe to and perusing the contributor page, which I usually get a kick out of. But this time I was cranky because in the last few weeks I’ve come across disparaging descriptions of older women in these journals, two of which attributed to them “old woman smell”. Made me madder than hell. I googled, of course, and discovered there is such a thing and it is called nonenal. But its not a bad odour or related to poor hygiene, just a byproduct of chemical changes that occur naturally as we all age and it starts occuring around age 40 in ALL older adults, not just women. Anyway, the descriptions struck me as ageist and mean.

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  6. Disclaimer: I did not follow the assignment (to write a 50 word bio). Not a surprise to those who know me. The first problem, as I see it, is that the bios, like the dreaded holiday cards, are written in the third person, by the first person. Paging Dr. Freud (or better yet, a female dr.) My issues go on from there. I’m sorry not to be more constructive, and I would be completely deterred by the instructions to make the editors fall in love with me via my bio. As usual, Susanne, you are more fearless than I. I love the title of this.

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    • What an insightful psychologically slanted assessment of the damned 50 word bio. Maybe an approach is to write it as though you’re your favourite author writing about you. Or a dead author in the voice of a ghost. Oooh. The possibilities!

      As for fearless, I think I’m just foolish and don’t think of potential consequences before I say something glib that feels good in the moment and gets a laugh.

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  7. Writing a bio or ‘about’ is so hard. You have to put yourself in the spotlight but you can’t take that too seriously hence adding self-irony. (Women practice self-irony more than men, don’t they? I am a bit worried about that.)
    My bio would be about somebody reluctantly writing an ‘about’. Without self-irony it tends to feel narcistic. Exclusively stating resume tidbits is boring. ‘En vogue’ is only listing your craving for chocolate or coffee. What is a good bio? Perhaps the best bio is a Buddhist on, stating a ‘me’ is an ever changing identity, an illusion.

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    • You’re absolutely right on all counts. I just sent off a submission to a mag and they said in their submission guidelines to submit a brief bio to make them fall in love with you. No pressure. The contributor page of the lit mag beside me is full of cutesy info of the chocolate and coffee loving variety. I favour a direct and minimalist approach but then I read these others and think I’m not making myself “human” enough. Argh. I feel a little like Charlie Brown after Lucy has pulled the football away from him yet again.

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  8. You are a stitch! Or a whole seam, really. This is hilarious. Your ancestors are the most interesting I’ve ever encountered! But the donuts. Really? Did you have to?

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