The Clog Blog

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City sewer authorities are imploring the women of Ottawa to consider shaving one half of each leg per week to remove winter growth. “We want to avoid clogging pipes as occurred last year when all women residents shaved their legs on the first day that temperatures rose above 0 Celcius.”

As snow melts and April showers approach apocalyptic volumes, city officials have noted high levels of human hair in effluent into the Ottawa and Rideau Rivers. The Ottawa Riverkeeper president, Wade Greenleaf, reports that although industrious beavers are combing the shoreline gathering hair for lodge insulation, they are unable to recycle all the tiny shafts of hair.

Downstream, at Lac de Deux Montagnes, at the confluence of the Ottawa and St. Lawrence Rivers near Montréal, mice have begun to show up in traps wearing vests woven with leg hair. A noted fashion mole, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said that Montréal’s fashion designers are exploring broader applications in fabric weaving using reclaimed human hair hoping to advertise its sustainability as part of the first 100 mile fashion week in September 2019.

Coincidentally, Montréal police issued an alert stating both men and women have been attacked while asleep and had their legs shaved. Police urge everyone not to post pictures on Instagram of their winter growth (#whoselegsarehairiest). Canadian Tire is capitalizing on the incidents and, in a community service, is giving away lawn signs saying “No hairy legs here”. Shopper’s Drug Mart reports a spike in sales of Nair and Barbasol and Vaseline Intensive Care, the latter being sold to men unaccustomed to razor rash on their legs.

Robins, squirrels and starlings nests gleam with highlights of the many shades of human leg hair. Naturalists, commenting on the positive unintended consequences for these creative recyclers, note the repellent qualities that human leg hair woven into nests provides – predators avoid them. This did not come as a surprise to the women of Ottawa and Montréal.

Readers are invited to share their hairiest spring adventures. #Spare no details.

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40 thoughts on “The Clog Blog

  1. I can report that menopause clears leg hair. Not everyone will think it’s worth the price, since it has a habit of relocating some of it in other places, but it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks. The process is non-negotiable. It starts just below the knee and works its way down until, for a brief period, you–we? one?–end(s) up with a small ruff of hair above the ankle that makes you look a bit like a poodle.

    You’re welcome.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I already look like a poodle, Ellen, having very short curly hair. It has been a lifelong bane of my existence. Alas, menopause has not reduced the hair on my legs. If only. And i still have sprouts from my chin and a cheek mole which I pluck when the light catches them and I realize they are there.

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  2. Susanne! This was so brilliantly done! I’m in stitches! I fully believed the beginning (complete with the cut-off being 0 Celsius!) and as it slowly ramped up in ridiculousness, I was just more and more delighted by the instant! Thanks for this!

    I saved it during my travels this past couple weeks (a funeral, family Easter dinner, and a university graduation, plus all the “extras” when families get together – what a trip), and now I wish I’d read it sooner!

    When I’ve inhabited colder climes, I’ve liked to imagine the hair kept me a smidge warmer, but I think it was just a placebo effect combined with an internally-convincing excuse to not bother with shaving, haha! If a PSA like this one ever went out, I’d probably embrace the excuse to be lazy indefinitely!

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    • I don’t think the hair keeps me warmer at least not the amount I can muster on my legs and it is definitely laziness with a soupcon of indifference that keeps me hairy all winter. I’m thinking if I wear capris in the summer I only really need to shave to mid-calf. 😉

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  3. What a fun post Susanne!!! Now you’ve got me wondering what the Canadian clog solution is for the men who have their backs shaved/waxed. And what of all the toe jam that’s collected among toes spent in socks over the winter? Then there’s the belly-button lint that’s piling up from being in thermal underwear all winter…. What is the strategy for coping with it all??

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  4. Hah! Clever! I enjoyed the laughter and my imagination took it all in! I shave all year. I itch so badly when I don’t. Day three I can scratch myself bloody. Obviously it’s not the best choice mid-winter, but then, the pipes are okay 😉

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    • The nerve of that bird stealing from a sleeping pup. Quite bold. You have such an ample mane, I’m sure you have many hair stories to share.

      Thank you for including a line from one of my poems in your post. You are so generous! I really liked being in the same company as Charles Bukowski and was sorry I didn’t have a beer to offer him. xo

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    • I’m glad you answered your own question, Doris. And I’m glad my nonsense made you laugh and brightened your day. Gloomy here in Ottawa, too. Rain, rain, rain. But tomorrow, so the weather woman says, the sun will come out. Or maybe that was Annie.

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  5. Thanks for the giggle, Susanne. I haven’t shaved my legs in 20 years. They never see daylight anyway and the books in my bed don’t mind. I think at my advanced age, it’s stopped growing anyway. Better the hair in the water system than the Nair. 😉

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    • So glad the post tickled your fancy. Nair is dreadful stuff isn’t it? Not good for the water critters at all! When I retire (soon, God willing) I will stop shaving my legs and wear only pants. I solemnly vow NEVER to wear pantyhose again.

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