The Men of Instagram

BlackForest

The chef de maison

The smorgasbord of Instagram offers me men who politely request to follow me. Some hot, some cold, all tempting, especially those hot-gunned military dudes, camo-gear flexed in the bare woods, deer stalking I suppose.

I admit the doctor leaning against shoulder height filing cabinets caught my eye. He wore scrubs convincingly accessorized with a stethoscope and a surgical mask draped around his neck. A safe, antiseptic scent protruded from the screen. #MrClean

A father of two boys from Florida photographed in a light baked kitchen DM’d me. “Nice pic. That cake looks good!” he said, referring to my profile pic taken on my 62nd birthday, a happy silver-haired woman proudly showing off a homemade Black Forest birthday cake.

I can’t know for sure, but I think the cake drew them to me. Hungry for something sweet they think I’ll do just fine. The photo is small after all and grey is oh so in. #silverhairlovers

Bing cherries ringed the perimeter of this cake. In the center, chocolate stubble dotted the whipped cream and those cherry sentinels hung back with their orange Bic razors, eager to shave.

A social worker told me the key to a happy marriage was being good in bed or good in the kitchen. If I had to choose, what would I be? “What if you’re both?”, I thought. Was that partnership the key to the 50-year box of Betty Crocker? 

After the first few, I lost count of the gentlemen callers. That’s the way it is with too much of a good thing – like sex for women after we figure out how to have an orgasm. Turns out you don’t need a man at all. Turns out you can have your cake – and eat it, too. Same could be said of men of course, so why request to follow me? It’s the gooey cake of love in the dessert buffet of life. It’s all about fucking cake.

 

53 thoughts on “The Men of Instagram

    • Hi DF. Thanks for your lovely comment. I never know what I’m going to write when I sit down in front of the keyboard with the intention of writing a blog post. It’s whatever is top of mind in that moment.

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  1. Both must be possible. When a friend got divorced, many a decade ago, she told me once that she was wondering what the hell to do about money and assessed her skills: Well, I can cook and I can fuck…

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  2. I will ask my husband about the kitchen or bedroom business. I cook more days than… well, you know. So hey, I changed my profile pic to one of my daughter’s stuffed giraffes and this cut down on a lot of male asks to follow, but did not eliminate them. Do you think the giraffe is too sexy?!?

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  3. So funny. I always look at the “friend” requests on FB and IG and wonder who the algorithms think I am, as if they give that much detailed thought to their come-ons. These days, the doctor bots might be overtaking the camo bots in popularity and effectiveness. (The last line of this was was my very favorite. 🙂 )

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  4. Bahhaha. You go, silver hare. (#silverhairlovers is a thing? Really? I’m trendy now?) I’m not on Instagranny but sometimes on Facebook strange military types fish me out (or just bots, more likely). The last unknown man who wanted to friend me said so under my comment to lovely art that Joan Baez made for Italy and posted herself. Imagine both Joan and myself tsk-tsk-tsking into the sunset. “I like your smile. Let’s be friends.” Tsk-tsk. The cake looks divine though. Cherries and chocolate, the perfect blend. All well to you!

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    • I only have about 40 friends – some from here on WP, some are my daughters’ friends, and others real life friends. But I guess it gives the algorithm enough to play with and send the bots my way. Lucky me.

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    • Pleased to hear I made you giggle, Maggie. For some reason I find Instagram the 2nd least offensive of the social media platforms – WP my favourite. I think it is the emphasis on images versus text.

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  5. I would DM you Susanne, but the only recent photo I have is of a hunched over old man with a cane and balding head. They tell me it’s of me. I’d use a Brad Pitt photo but I fear you already know what her looks like. My wife chimed in and wants to know what you are offering in exchange.

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  6. So that’s what’s happening on FB and IG! I don’t have daughters to guide me so I’ve been wandering naively on my own. Thanks for the PSA. Note to self – no pics with cake 😉

    GREAT photo though! … and happy birthday 🥳

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    • Yeah, those camo-boys aren’t all that they’re dressed up to be. I think I’ll change my profile photo on IG, though. Put something up that includes my pooch and see what he attracts.

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  7. I’ve been absent for a very long time, battling a deep, dark despair. Happily, I have emerged and am now blinking in the light of a new dawn and feeling stronger of the psyche than ever. Happy, I think they call it. Well, happy I am to find you on perfectly perfect form – this made me hoot. And the cake made me swoon (but I won’t be stalking you on FaceBook 😉)

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    • hi Fiona, I was so excited to see you pop up over on ME Lewis’ site and even more pleased that you bounced over here. May happy be your default from now on and may every day bring you your favourite sweet thing, be it cake, wine, a good book, a song – whatever makes your heart sing. Stay well!

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  8. We “Men of WordPress” are definitely NOT like those Insta-whatevers. For the most part, I mean. Y’know, like probably most of us aren’t. But damn, you and that cake sure look good!

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    • The men of WordPress are infinitely preferable to the Insta-men (add water and watch them grow!). Though, because I tagged this post with “sex”, I acquired a few new bots promising lovely young women to help battle loneliness. 😉

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    • The Men of WordPress deserve a very long, praising epic poem. The men of wordpress that I follow have kind and elegant things to say about the world and enlighten me in so many ways. And, I might add, none of them post pictures of themselves in camouflage clothes.

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  9. Dang those guys are busy – and I thought it was just me being hotly pursued on IG 😀 I mentioned to my daughter one day about all the good looking dudes wanting to make contact with the elderly looking broad peeping from behind her dog in her profile pic and she told me those wouldn’t be their real pictures…. I was completely shocked! What? Yep, she said, not them, not their real names either – probably some of them not even blokes! Wow I said it’s a really crazy world out there. No wonder nature wants to take us out!! But I have to say if I’d noted that pic of you and your cake I might have been dm-ing you also 🙂

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    • I am eternally grateful to my daughters for keeping me in the know in the ways of anti-social media. Here I was thinking “I’ve still got it” when the truth is everyone’s got it. Now I understand why my daughters’ profile pictures have distorted faces – troll repellent.

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      • I’d be in deep doo-dah if it wasn’t for my worldly wise girls putting me right about oh so many strange things 😀 I would have thought the trolls would be right on the ugly faced profile pics, thinking ‘I’ll be in there!’

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  10. Thanks for the morning giggle. I needed that too. Maybe I remain a bit dumpy to make certain there is no interest in my “baked goods” whatsoever. 😉 I can make a wonderful dump cake but nothing so luscious looking as your Black Forest delight. I’m not checking the news anymore. Let me know when it’s all over. I’ll be here reading happy blogs.

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  11. I’ve lost count of the numbers of military men (especially generals!) and doctors working for medical charitable organizations wanting to DM me on Instagram. All widowers too – who’d a thunk it?! Imagine how many more I’d attract with a cake in my photo!!!!
    Thanks for the laugh, Susanne. Stay safe and healthy,

    Deb

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  12. This made me laugh – I’ve had so many offers also. I cheekily told one man I was not able to engage as I was babysitting my grandchildren. He responded: “But you don’t look that old. I still want to talk.” Sure you do, I thought. Pretty sure his profile pic was not honest. Catfish heaven.

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    • I’m so glad it made you laugh. That was my intention as I need to lift my mood from all the gloom. Not that I’m burying my head in the sand but there’s only so much COVOID news one can stand without cracking up. It is kind of fun to look at the profiles of the posers. They’re all so darned good looking!

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